The Countdown Begins- 100 days!!!

Well folks, today is EXACTLY 100 days until my big day!!! Might sound like a lot but really it's not. Last night I was sitting down on the couch with Justin as he was doing his paperwork for work and I was looking at wedding bands for him online. As I was browsing a website I thought back to how this all got started. Then to think how far we have come since that first kiss. WOW!!! Then it hit me...."Holy Crap! Justin, Do you know what tomorrow is? It is exactly 100 days until our wedding!!" He just stared back at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and smiled! The question that I have been asked a lot recently is "So are you getting nervous?" To answer that emphatically...Not at all!!! Wonder why? Because I know in my heart of hearts that this man that God has given me is the man He created for me! He is the man that God designed specifically for me and the man that God put the desire in my heart for when I was just a little girl. So nervous is not a word that I would use to describe how I am feeling right now. Excited, anxious, exstatic, are a few words that might begin to describe how I feel but they barely brush the surface.

Now that is not to say that over the past few months that we haven't had our share of stress. Since February I have started a new job and that in and of itself has been stressful then you add planning a wedding on top of that and things really get hectic. Not to mention that Justin's work schedule has been quite a doozy! His company has entrusted him with a very large government project that runs 7 days a week. Justin being the Project Superintendent he is required to be there all 7 days. His day starts at 6:30 in the morning and doesn't end sometimes until around 7:45 in the evening. He is exhausted when he gets home and can barely keep his eyes open after dinner. With all three of those factors, our life has been quite a stress ball!!! There have been days that the stress and the pressure have really taken their toll on us. However, here is the good thing. At the end of the day no matter what went on during those 12-13 hours that we were apart our love for each other shines right on through. He can take me in his arms and hold me and kiss me and the worries of that day disappear. The smile that he brings to my face is more than enough happiness for me to take away all stresses and pressures of the day. What we are both having to learn right now is that we are to be thankful for the work that we both have and thankful that God provided a way for us but also acknowledge that at the end of each and every day the most important thing we have is each other. Every night our commitment to each other is reaffirmed for me by our loving words of "I love you" or "I missed you today" and our loving actions from the kiss I get right when he walks in the back door down to the wink or smile from across the kitchen or living room. His love for me shines right through his eyes and beams through his smile and it lights me up every single day! We have done a lot of planning since beginning of January and there is still a lot to do. It's getting down to the wire. However, in the stress and hustle and bustle of showers, parties, dress fittings, hair appointments, and whatever else comes along, my heart is prepared for that Saturday evening on August 15th to walk down that isle and be joined together as one with my precious gift from God, the lover of my soul, my Knight in shinning armor, my Prince, forever!

A Mother's Mother

A female parent; something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else- by definition that is what mother means. We know that Mother means so much more. Today as I was surfing the net, a video on youtube made me pause and think about my Mother's Mother. She has been gone from us in body for some years now but in spirit she has never left our sides. Lula Bell Ostrander or Nanny was such a wonderful woman. She was full of grace and had a heart of gold. She was a woman of faith. She wasn't affraid to share her faith with all whom entered her home. She was a woman of many talents. In her younger days she had the voice of an angel. She sang in church and she sang for political campaigns. Nanny could make some of the best homemade bread you had ever put in your mouth. As we say down south "It'll make you wanna smack your Mama!" The one word that sticks out most for me when I think about my Nanny is sacrifice. This woman gave everything she had. She opened her home to those who needed a place to stay, a place to talk, a place to cry, a place to laugh. She opened her heart and her ears. Years of her life were spent caring for others and providing for them. Never did she ask for anything in return. All she wanted was your love. Your love was enough thanks for endless hours of her time, her love, her sweat, and her tears. All who came through the backdoor of her house were immediately taken in and loved as if you were one of her own. It made no difference if you were black, white, red, purple or blue and it did't matter your faith she was going to love you and share God's love with you. She was everything that a mother is and ever will be. It takes a special person to be a mother and it takes an even more special person to be a mother to daughters. Nanny has a daughter that I am so proud to call my Mom. I think about the wonderful ways my mom has shown me and my sisters her love and I know that she had a great role model. All the sacrifices that she has made, the children that she has taken into her home and into her heart, the voice of an angel, and her love for our Savior! Though Nanny is now with Jesus, her legend lives on in my mother. Sometimes when I look at my Mom its almost like I can see my Nanny right in her eyes! What neither of them know is that they have given me and my sisters one of the greatest gifts a girl could ever receive. Through their constant and unwaivering love, they have given us a legend to live by as we raise our children. I'm preparing to be a wife and in the months to come I know my mind will wander off to memories of my Nanny and my heart will ache as I know she will not be there in body on that warm August day when I take the hand of my loving husband. I know she will be there in spirit. I know she will be looking down from heaven and rejoicing. She will be there in the eyes of my Mother and my sisters, her legend lives on!



To Lula Bell Ostrander, My Nanny

One of her favorite hymns performed by one my favorite country music artist.






I love you Nanny!

Love For a Lifetime

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me. " Song of Solomon 2: 3-6

As you read in the previous post I am head over heels in love! I had been praying that God would grant me the desire of my heart and bring me my husband. I prayed that he would be the kind man that my heart longed for. One that cherished me, loved me, cared for me, protected me, and adored me. God answered that prayer when he brought Justin into my life. Though it was quite unexpected and really when I least expected it, I have never felt so loved nor have I ever been so in love. I know without a shadow of a doubt when he looks at me that he sees beyond my outward appearance and stares directly at my soul. He loves me for exactly who I am and treats me like a queen. I can't even begin to describe how happy I am and how good my heart feels. It's almost as if my heart has never in my life been broken because now I am so complete with the man of my dreams beside me.

Last night we went to see Christmas lights down by the river. We rode in the truck for a while where it was warm. Just as we were finished riding through the lights Justin suggested we go for a horse and carriage ride. I was thinking he was crazy because it was freezing cold outside and the wind was blowing. Little did I know that he had come prepared with blankets. We loaded up in the carriage and strolled off. The carriage driver begins talking to us and telling us all about the horse. How fitting of it that the horse's name was Prince Charming. On the way through the light display the carriage driver was asked to stop. Justin took my hand and led me down off the carriage and into a field where there was a light display. He got down on one knee and said "Karen, will you be my bride for the rest of our lives?" I think the smile on my face shone brighter than the display of lights we were standing in as I said yes. He put the ring on my finger and we climbed back in the carriage to finish our ride. Neither of us could hardly speak for smiling and kissing. My heart just gleamed with joy. I laid down to sleep last night and thanked Jesus for sending me the best Christmas gift I had ever received-my Prince Charming, my Knight in Shining Armor, my Husband!

"My beloved is mine and I am his..." Song of Solomon 2:16

Justin- words cannot describe what my heart feels. You came into my life and completely swept me off my feet. You have shown me love like I only dreamed could exist. I look forward to sharing my life with you and discovering all the wonders that God has planned for us. I know the best is yet to come! I love you today more than I did yesterday but not near as much as I will love you tomorrow!

Mr. Honeybuns-"Feels So Right"

"Whisper to me softly three words upon my skin. No ones near and listenin, so please dont say goodbye. Just hold me close and love me. Press your lips to mine. Mm, feels so right, feels so right."
-Alabama

Feels so right pretty much sums it up. On August 28th the long awaited answer to my prayers walked into my life. It was so unexpected too. I was watching the first Carolina football game at a local restaurant in town when I turned around and a very familiar face caught my eye. The next thing I knew he was sitting down beside me and we were deep in conversation. For 2 years he had been coming to my office. He works for a very prominent customer of mine and actually knew one of my co-workers as well. The story that I've been told is that he asked about me every time he saw my co-worker. Then that fateful night he sat down next to me and realized I was no longer taken. So he made his move. I was a little reluctant at first because of course I was in defense mode and was bound and determined to keep my wall up. His persistance paid off and little by little he broke down that wall and has made his home in my heart.

Christopher Justin French (Justin) is the answer to my prayer for a love like I have never known. He has swept me off my feet and then some. Everyday he amazes me with the love that he shows me and how much he truly adores me. He calls me Beautiful, Sweets, and makes it known to everybody watching that I am his Queen. I never thought it possible to have something so wonderful and something that just makes my heart swell with pride. The Lord has truly given me a precious gift in this man that He has placed in my life. He is everything I have ever wanted and more. With every passing day the relationship and the love grows stronger and stronger. He knows my past and in spite of the events that have taken place in my life he still looks and at me and says "Everything you went through brought you right here to my arms." I'm so thankful that he is in my life and loves me so unconditionally and so wonderfully. Something that I never thought possible yet everything that I have ever wanted now looks me right in the face and holds me so tenderly. To say that I am happy is an understatement. As my oldest sister said I'm completely "over the moon."

The Keeper Of The Stars-Tracy Byrd

It was no accident me finding you

Someone had a hand in it

Long before we ever knew

Now I just can't believe you're in my life

Heaven's smilin' down on me

As I look at you tonight

Chorus

I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars

He sure knew what he was doin'

When he joined these two hearts

I hold everything

When I hold you in my arms

I've got all I'll ever need

Thanks to the keeper of the stars

Soft moonlight on your face oh how you shine

It takes my breath away

Just to look into your eyes

I know I don't deserve a treasure like you

There really are no words

To show my gratitude

Chorus

So I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars

He sure knew what he was doin'

When he joined these two hearts

I hold everything

When I hold you in my arms

I've got all I'll ever need

Thanks to the keeper of the stars

It was no accident me finding you

Someone had a hand in it

Long before we ever knew

It's Time For CAROLINA FOOTBALL!!!!

We are merely 7 hours away from kickoff. Williams-Brice Stadium in downtown Columbia, SC is already starting to see a stream of cars, trucks, and SUV's pulling in and setting up tables, tents, and delicious spreads for an afternoon of tailgating. For those of you who don't know, this is a college football town. We eat, breathe, and sleep Carolina football! Those who don't most likely pull for the team headed north of us that is located in a cow field! HA! (Sorry Clemson fans).

Allow me to set the scene for you. It is a beautiful and sunny 84 degrees here today in Columbia. You can't ride a block down the street without seeing vehicles waving Carolina flags and tattooed with Carolina magnets. Businesses aren't doing much business unless of course you are Wal-Mart, Target, or the local discount beer and liquor store. Down in the Greek Village sorority girls are donning their black dresses and high heels (yes, that is correct! Dresses and high heels are appropriate football game attire) and the frat boys are either painting their chests or putting on bow ties. As the hour nears for the Gamecocks to kickoff the 2008 season against the Wolfpack of NC State, parking lots within a 2 mile radius of Williams Brice Stadium will become one huge party and the interstates surrounding downtown will begin to look like parking lots! The stadium will fill up with 85+ thousand people and promptly at 8pm the beautiful sound of 2001 will fill the air and fog machines will begin to fog the field as our boys decked in their garnet and black enter the stadium.

For weeks now speculations of this season's record has been the topic of many conversations around town. What kind of defense are we going to run? Is our offense ready for our tough schedule? So on and so forth. In all the hype that surrounds this football team has emerged an unusual yet astounding story of a particular player. This year as the Gamecocks take the field whether at home or away they will be led by a man of faith, Junior Quarterback Tommy Beecher. Tommy is from Concord, NC and recently shared his testimony via email. He was struggling with finding God's will for his life. He was unsure if Carolina was where he was suppose to be. So unsure that he had even looked into transferring to other colleges where he thought his gifts would be better used. Tommy heeded God's call to stay in Columbia and on the Carolina football team and later found out that he had earned the position of starting quarterback for the 2008 season. The email in which he shared his testimony was sent to only a few people, mostly people back in Concord and a select few in Columbia. In no time that email that been sent to a select people had circulated through in boxes all around Columbia and the state of South Carolina. Tommy's story about his faith in God was out there for everybody to read. It even made the local news! How amazing it is that God used this young man's life and his struggle to find God's will for his life to reach out to thousands of people sharing the same passion as football to share the word of God. Our team has faced troubles on and off the field. God's plan for Tommy was to be here, in our town, leading this group of young men both on the field and hopefully off the field, to be an example, and to shine God's light. You can read Tommy Beecher's testimony here

So, no matter the outcome of tonight's game or any other game throughout the season, I am proud to be a Gamecock and proud to have a guy like Tommy Beecher leading our team! He's an ordinary college student, a hero by no means, but he has the world's biggest hero on his side! That my friends, as Christians, is something to be proud of!

GO COCKS!!!!

Mr Quackers

Last time I posted I mentioned my new companion Dixon. Well folks this is him! Yesterday as I was strolling through Wal-Mar, which by the way is a huge step for me because I can't stand a Wal-Mart, I came across the isle for pets. Since Dixon is a duck hunting dog I thought a toy duck would be a great gift for him. There on top of the pet toys was a duck so I picked it up and as I did I squeezed him and out came at "QUACK!" It was perfect! I was so excited and couldn't wait to get it home to him. The weather down here has been quite hot and my backyard has no trees to provide any kind of shade. The past few weeks Dixon has been cooped up in my house while I am at work so that he could stay cool. Well now at least he has a companion to keep him company! I get home with Mr. Quackers and take the tags off of him all the while Dixon is right under my feet and I am almost tripping over him. I squeezed the bottom of Mr Quackers and he let out a "Quack!" Dixon's ears perked up and he sat square on his butt waiting for me to release the duck. As soon as I did he shot off through the living room to retrieve! We played for about an hour with Mr. Quackers. Now, however, his Daddy looks at this a great opportunity to get him ready for duck season with the season opening quickly approaching. This is quite a sight as you hear the command called out "Dead Bird" and Dixon goes running! Needless to say Mr Quackers has brought fun and joy to all of us especially Dixon and I am not sure which of us is more excited about this little purchase. Pretty soon mornings will come early as Dixon and his Daddy go out 1/2 hour before sunrise to hunt some real ducks! Gotta love the Country!!!

Hello World!

Here I am! I know it has been over a month (well over a month) since I last posted. I honestly have thought about it a couple of times and then that window of opportunity passed me by and it was like "Dang! I meant to blog today!" Finally, I have found some time to write. Actually I have really missed this little creative outlet. This past month or so has been so busy. I am settled into my house and I am loving every minute of it. There are still some things that I want to get done inside and out but like my Grandma told me "Rome wasn't built in a day." My neighborhood is awesome and I have some really wonderful neighbors. At night it is so quiet out there and the breeze is amazing. It almost feels like the coast! I have become the adopted mother to a 5 year old, 90lb black lab that is just one big baby! He is a great dog. He is very well trained and is so loving. When I am home he hardly leaves my side. If I am sitting on the couch he is laying on the floor right in front of me. The minute I move he gets up and follows me into whatever room I am going to. I call him my shadow. He is a great companion and I am really enjoying having him. I am still looking for a puppy of my own. In the beginning I wanted a small dog but after having Dixon I have decided that I want a chocolate lab! Call me crazy if you want to but I have learned from having Dixon around how loving labs are. Of course I want mine to be a girl puppy and I think I have decided on naming her Reese. Not Reese as in Reese's peanut butter cups but Reese as in Reese Witherspoon. A friend of mine is going to work with her and train her. She will eventually go duck hunting. Can you believe it? Little city girl here is going to get a chocolate lab and let her go HUNTING??? I have had some really great adventures since moving to this side of town. It is like a whole new world over here. Where I grew up people drive sedans, BMW's, Lexus, Caddilac's. Out here it is a sea of trucks! I am talking big trucks like F250 diesel trucks and chevy's that have been jacked up to Jesus with mud tires and duck head stickers on the back window. I wouldn't say it is necessarily a culture shock. It is different but it's a whole lot of fun! I am a full fledge CAROLINA COUNTRY GIRL!!!!

Also in this past month I have had the honor of becoming an honorary Aunt! My dear friend and co-worker gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on June 16th. Kaitlyn Nicole made her debut into the world with the most beautiful head of red hair and weighed 7lbs 2 ozs. I go see her about once or twice a week. With Nicki being out on maternity leave it has made the work day so long. For the past 6 weeks I have worked 9 hours day not getting a lunch break. By the time I get home I am exhausted. I am so sick of looking at these brick walls and all these brick samples. I think I have even dreamed about brick a couple of times. It will all be over next week when she returns. Please keep her in your prayers. I know it is going to be a tough transition back to work for her especially have to leave that precious little girl. She at least has comfort in knowing that Grandma will be caring for her little one!

Well folks I think that about catches you all up on the things in my life. If you are wondering about the other issue that I have been dealing with for the past year, let's just say that everyday it gets better. Right now is the time for me to be doing and worrying about what makes me happy. The smiling face is back and I focus on the everything that is good!

The Greatest Man I Ever Knew

"I am in the only man in your life that will never let you down." Those are words that my sisters and I have had heard since we were little girls. That's how Daddy reminded us constantly that there was no love like the love of a Father for his daughters. We were his precious pearls. His princesses, his baby girls. For me, there has never been any doubt of how much my Daddy loves me.

I remember when I was little and how much he used to travel. I didn't understand it at the time. Now that I am grown and look back on it I know that he was making large sacrafices to provide for his family. I am the youngest of my siblings and came along late in my parents life. You could say that I was some what of a "surprise." Daddy and I used to have what he called "Best Buddy Day." Those were days that he would take me all by myself and do something special with me. Sometimes he would take me to work with him. I remember thinking how special I was when we would ride to the post office together. I cherrished our one on one time together. There was nothing in the world like walking hand in hand with my Daddy.

As I got older I progressed in to a rebelious teenager. I didn't go off the deep end into drugs or anything but boy was I a sassy mouth. A very opinonated teenager who was definitely going to do things my way whether you liked it or not (not much has changed really..ha). We had some shouting matches. I couldn't understand my Dad and why I wasn't allowed to do things that I wanted to do. Again, looking it back on it now I can see that it was nothing but his love for me and how he was trying to protect me as best he could. He watched my heart break many times and each time he would take me in his arms and whisper in my hear "Munch, I am the only man in your life that will never let you down" and suddenly everything felt better. It was Daddy's love that calmed my fears. I look at my life now and the woman that I have become and I see just how much of an impact my Dad has had on my life. It's really insane how much I am just like him. I catch myself somedays and think "Wow! I sounded just like Daddy!" It makes me smile.

There is a special bond between a father and a daughter. As daughters we go through our life most of us searching for a man that in many ways mimics our fathers. We want that same unconditional love and protection and to have that cherrished feeling that comes from the heart of a man in our mate. For me those are some pretty big shoes to fill for whomever my mate may be. My Dad is the greatest man that I have ever known. He has gone above and beyond to provide for us, to spend time with us, and to show us his love beyond measure. He has not only loved his children but has been an astounding husband. There is never a doubt how much my Dad is in love with my Mom. You know from the moment you meet them that he would rope the moon for her. He cherrishes her. There is nothing like her to him any where else in the world. They are a shinning example of what love and marriage is suppose to be like. You can't help but love them both so much!

My Dad has taught me so much about life through his own life and the example that he set for me. Being grown and completely out of the house now has given me time to reflect on different relationships and lately my relationship with my Dad has been heavy on my mind. Though there were times when it was not perfect, I always knew just how much he loved me, cared about me, and wanted nothing but the best for me. I am so thankful for everything he has done for me through out my life and can never even begin to repay him not even with my words. To me, he is man of his word, a man of honor, a man of wisdom, and certainly a man full of humor but most importantly he is my Dad. He will always be the only man in my life that will never let me down and I will forever be his Munchkin!

Daddy, I love you to pluto and back times infinity!!

Trying To Resurface

It has been a while since I last posted. Honestly, I am still very unsure of what to say. So I am just going to say what is on my mind. It has been almost 10 months since the breaking of my engagement and still I find myself struggling with my life day in and day out. Just when I think I have a hold on things and a hold on myself something else happens to knock me back down. Recently I reached an all time low! I find myself in the bottom of the pit of despair. So far in the bottom of the pit that I couldn't see any light. I had/have lost all sense of who I am. The events that have taken place in my life have almost completely destroyed my personality, self confidence, self worth, strength, and erased the smile that I used to wear so often. However, I am beginning to realize that this person that I have become is not the person that I want to be. I know that some where buried in the rubble of my broken heart is a strong, fun, loving, witty, and nurturing woman. I am working on finding her!

Being the song bird that I am, most of the time I find such great encouragement through music. So of course I am going to share a couple of songs that have spoken to me over the last few weeks. Two Saturday mornings ago I was in my bedroom at my new house getting ready for the day. I had my iPod on shuffle and suddenly a song began to play. I had been struggling all week with letting go completely of a man that had been in my life for nearly 8 years. The words of this song really put it in perspective for me.

"Trying To Find A Reason" ~Martina McBride

No love can survive for long like this
When you're standing on a bridge that's always burnin'
Maybe it's just time to walk away
If you're tryin' to find a reason to stay

I don't know how long this pain will last
All I know is it can't go on forever
Isn't this just pointless anyway
If you're tryin' to find a reason to stay

It's hard to admit it, what we know inside
We've tried everything, everything but goodbye
Say goodbye

If you're heart has nothing left to give
And your world feels like it's just stop turnin'
Maybe that says all there is to say
If you're tryin' to find a reason to stay

Maybe it's just time to walk away
If you're tryin to find a reason to stay.

The words of that song made so much sense to me. For so long I had been holding onto something that I needed to let go of. I didn't want to but the time had come and there was nothing left for me to do. I still struggle with the letting go every day. It's so hard and there are days when I feel like my world has been shattered. I am trying to be strong and I know that as the days pass my strength will continue to increase and my heart will continue to mend. I want so much to be the person that I used to be. To be the sister, daughter, aunt, and friend that loves life and everything about it. As I was typing this post which now probably looks like a book, I received an email from my Mom. She too has been a constant source of strength and encouragement my entire life. The email said this:

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence.....'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

I know in my heart how very true those statements are. Which brings me to my last thought and song. A friend burned a cd for me a while back. Of course as I was scanning the songs one jumped out at me. I suppose whoever wrote this song was talking to a friend but I took at as a song that we as God's children could sing to Him. I especially felt this song in the depths of my heart. Chills came over my body as I listened because I knew that God was there with me, holding my hand, guiding me in the direction that he would have me go in life. Although I don't always understand His ways......"His ways are not our own." Another great friend of mine said to me a while back "Karen, you have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen in my life. You light up a room each time you smile." It felt good to hear those words then and I want to find that smile again. Okay, so here is the final song. Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you today. I covet your prayers during this time in my life.

"Footprints In The Sand" ~ Leona Lewis

You walked with me, footprints in the sand
And helped me understand where I'm going
You walked with me when I was all alone
With so much unknown along the way
Then I heard you say

I promise you I'm always there
When you're heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life flash across the sky
So many times have I been so afraid
And just when I have thought I've lost my way
You give me strength to carry on
That's when I heard you say

I promise you, I'm always there
When you're heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When I'm weary, well, I know you'll be there
And I can feel you when you say

I promise you, I'm always there
When your heart is filled sadness and despair
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

To my family-thank you so much for surrounding me with your love and support and for not giving up on me or allowing me to give up on myself. Thank you for your constant prayers and your loving ways of lifting me up. Thank you for holding me in your arms and wiping each tear. Each of you have such a hold on my heart in your own way and I cherish your love and the relationships that we have with each other.

To my friends- Elaine, Nina, Janelle, Nicki, Kristi, and Shannon. You girls are the best friends anyone could ask for. Thank you for listening with open ears and open hearts. Thank you for putting up with my shouting matches and my crying fests. Thank you for your words and hugs of encouragement. Most of all thank you for what each of you brings to my life!!

A Mother's Love

When I was small you held me in the crook of your arm

Gently caressing and rocking me back and forth

You sang sweet lullaby's as I gripped your finger

I felt your love then just as I do now

When I came home with scrapped up knees

You nursed my wounds

Kissing each one to "make it all better"

I felt your love then just as I do now

Each time my heart broke and I thought my life was over

Arms wide open you held me as I cried on your shoulder

Words of wisdom flowing from your lips

I felt your love then just as I do now

Here I am all grown up

No more ribbons and bows in my golden locks

Your love has guided my every step

In the years to come I will feel love your just as I do now

Happy Mother's Day Mom! Never could you possibly know the impact that your love has had on my life. You've never turned your back. Not even when I pulled away. You have been by my side through every obstacle in my life. You have watched me laugh when there was joy and you have watched me cry as life filled up with trials. Your love and faith is what has made me the woman that I am. My heart is full of love because you constantly showed me unconditional love. You have taught me so much and I can only hope and dream that one day the legacy that you have given to me I will be able to pass on to my own children.

POETS AND PIRATES

Okay country music fans.....eat your heart out because I am going to see Kenny Chesney live in concert tomorrow for the Poets and Pirates tour!! He is one of my favorite country music stars and he puts on a great show. A few days ago a friend of mine mentioned that she had 2 extra tickets and asked me if I wanted to go. My response was "Does a pig eat slop?" Heck yeah I want to go! Thanks Kristi! Tonight I got to find my cowgirl hat and my tight fitten jeans! Oh boy I can't wait! He has a great new song out on the radio that I thought I would leave with they lyrics of. Have a great weekend!

"Better As A Memory"

move on like a sinners prayer

let 'em go like a levee breaks

walk away as if i don't care

learn to shoulder my mistakes

i'm built to fade like your favorite song

getting reckless when there's no need

laugh as your stories ramble on

break my heart but it won't bleed

my only friends are pirates, it's just who i am

i'm better as a memory than as your man

i'm never sure when the truth won't do

i'm pretty good on a lonely night

I move on the way a storm blows through

i never stay, but then again, i might

i struggle sometimes to find the words

always sure until i doubt

walk a line until it blurs

build walls too high to climb out

but, i'm honest to a fault, it's just who i am

i'm better as a memory than as your man

I see you leanin', you're bound to fallI

don't wanna be that mistake

i'm just a dreamer, and nothing more

you should know it before it gets too late

cause good-bye's are like a roulette wheel

you never know where they're gonna land

first you're spinning, then you're standing still

left holding a losin' hand

one day you're gonna find someone right away, you'll know it's true

that all of your seeking is done

its just a part of the passing through

right there in that moment

you'll finally understand

that i was better as a memory than as your man

better as a memory than as your man

My Humble Home

I went out to my house this afternoon to check on the progress. I took a few pictures of the work that has been done so far. There is still some work to be done before May 16th but all in all it is coming along quite well. Thought I would share the pictures. I am extremely excited about my new home....as I am sure you can tell!

Live Well Wednesday

In all honesty, I have fallen off the wagon. I had been doing so well with drinking my water, watching my sugar and carb intake, and making sure that I was eating protein and vegetables at every meal. Then life got a little hectic, not mention emotional and I have found myself flat on my butt on the pavement. Good news is that during this fall I have not gained a pound-Thank you Jesus! Honestly I don't know how because I have done some serious indulging but also come to think about it there have been times when food was just not on my list of wants so I would skip meals. I know, I know -skipping meals isn't healthy either. Life seems to have gotten so fast paced these past few weeks. I have been traveling 2 days a week with my job, I am building a house, and there have been a few social events tied to my job as well. Needless to say I have been busy. Soon though life will slow down (cross my fingers).

Now that I have made the confession of falling off the wagon, what do I plan to do about it? I rejoice at the fact that through these weeks I have not gained anything. I was not shocked to see that I hadn't lost either. I am not content on staying like this, however. So I need to regroup and get my game plan together. A while back I announced that I had joined South Beach Online. This diet, while grueling at the beginning, is the only diet that I have found that really works for me and I see almost immediate results. Starting Monday April 28th my plan is to start completely over with South Beach. I have lost a total of 15 pounds since January and I would like to lose at least another 10 before going on vacation in June. My long term goal is to lose a total of 35 pounds. I am addicted to Rachel Ray. I watch 30 Minute Meals on the Food Network every single night. She has really started making cooking healthy look fun, easy, and delicious or in her words "Yummo!" Needless to say I am watching intently, making notes, and plan to cook some of these recipes on my way back on the wagon of Living Well!

Grace

I took this past Monday off of work for what I like to call a "mental health" day although it had more to do with my emotions that have been twirling around like a fierce tornado for the past month or so. I started my day playing with my 2 year old nephew and constantly answering the question of "Aunt KayK, what are you doing?" After a while I asked him if he was writting a book but of course I just got a blank stare followed by a very handsome smile because my question meant merely nothing to him. I had lunch with 3 very lovely friends followed by a little shopping. My best friend had a doctors appointment to have a lump in her breast checked that afternoon. We sat holding our breath and praying until she called to say that she was fine. Of course we had a little celebration for her by going to the ice cream shop up the road per her request.

That evening we went back in time for a while. Elaine, my best friend, and I have been friends since the 4th grade. We used to sit in church together and lay our arms across one anothers laps and softly rub the inside of each others arms. Sounds funny to you I am sure but it was just our thing. Every church trip we went on she and I always roomed together. In high school we had so much fun together even though we attended separate schools. Another thing we used to do was play with each other's hair and do each other's make up.

Monday evening I sat in her bathroom indian style on her counter while she took the curling iron and spiral curled my hair. It felt just like it did when we were in high school. She had gathered up some magazines for me to look at while she worked her magic on me. One of the magazines she had given me was for a cosmetic store that carries a vast selection of upscale cosmetic lines.As I was flipping through the catalogue a particular brand caught my attention. The labels on each product has a inspirational prespective on life printed on it. One of the product lines is called "Amazing Grace" which obviously caught my attention even more. There was an ad for a candle and the label read:

"Grace-how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain, and so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson, in the end, it all comes down to one word-grace. It's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light."

I thought about it after I read it. Grace to me is all about God. There is no better grace offered to us as human beings than God's Grace! I have climbed several mountains in my life and I know that it was only through my faith and the grace of God that I was able to not only climb up those mountains but to walk down them as well. The test was hard but the lesson learned from it was well worth the work. It reminds me of a quote I saw once "In the face of adversity you find opportunity." Nothing happens by chance. Everything has it's purpose in our lives. Though we may not see it while we are walking through it or climbing over it when we do finally reach the other side we know it was by faith and Grace.

PS. As a little side note. I did some research online for this particular brand of cosmetics and found out that it was on one of Oprah's list of best things. I thought about not writing this post purely for the fact that it is tied to Oprah somehow but I refuse to let that woman have everything in this world good or bad! So Oprah, I have 2 words for you -SELL OUT!!!! (Okay, I am off that soap box now)

Which One Am I?

So this morning I read Susanne's blog about which Disney Princess are you? I found it quite intriguing so of course I wanted to see which character fit my personality. I gave in to my curiosity and took the test! I never would have guess that my personality fit that of......

Which Disney Princess Are You?
	You are Pocahontas. You defy convention and sometimes do what is considered taboo. Unfortunately, others do not always appreciate your differences, so it's good that you are so strong-willed. You are loyal and you believe in fate. Your true love will find you one day.

Big Girls Don't Cry

"Big Girls don't cry. Big girls don't cry. Big girls, they don't cry."

Everytime I hear that song I can't help but think about the beginning of the movie Dirty Dancing where they are riding in the car up to the resort for the summer and Baby is sitting in the backseat. Well one thing is for sure, I have got my big girl pants on and this "baby" has bought a house. Yes, it is official! I signed the papers on Friday for my very own patio home in a different part of town that will put me much closer to work-no more commuting!! I am so excited. I don't think you could wipe the silly grin off my silly face even if you tried. 

I went out this weekend furniture shopping, mainly for a dining room table but picked up some new pillows for my couch instead. I didn't quite find what I was looking for in the area of a dining room table. Could it be that maybe I am just being too picky? Maybe, but I believe that I have earned that right. So I will continue my quest for a quaint, cute pub table and chair set that fits my persnickety style and my little dining area. I just can't wait to get in there and start decorating something that ALL MINE!! Oh and I guess I need to start looking for a part time job in addition to my full time job so that I can continue to afford my lifestyle of shopping, mani-pedi's, shoes, makeup, and bags.  

My closing is May 16th which I am sure will get here in a flash and this baby bird has a lot to do before flying the coop. Yes, Daddy even though I am finally moving out for good this time and have on my big girl pants, I will always be your little girl!

Live Well Wednesday: A Huge Step

After taking a few weeks off I am back. My appetite has some what gotten back to normal but still there are days where nothing seems good to me. I have been drinking my water though and have made sure that I get some vegetables in some how. The good news is that I have maintained my weight loss. That I am extremely happy about. My goal for next week is to get back on my South Beach and be more dedicated to improving my body over all.

To all of you that have so graciously prayed for me over the past few weeks-thank you! The power of prayer is the sweetest free gift you can ever give. Life has gotten a little better. As we all know, time heals all wounds. I have been staying busy with work, family, and friends. The outpouring of love that I have received through this has been amazing. I am so grateful to have such wonderful, loving, and supporting people in my life. The other day I thought about a saying that I had heard once "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." I remind myself everyday of that.

So now what is the huge step that I mentioned in the title? Well through out these few weeks I have decided that it is time for me to get out on my own and stand on my own two little feet. I have been house hunting. I got a realtor about a week ago who has been very kind to me and has done some awesome work finding me places to look at that fit my budget. Today I am putting on my big girl pants and I am putting an offer on a house! This will be my first house purchase. While I am nervous about it I am also very excited. It is a huge step in my life but I am ready to get out there. I will have something that is all my own-no roommate and I am really looking forward to it. I hope you all have had a good week! Til next time.....

Sometimes

Sometimes at night when I lay down to sleep

I stack the pillows up on the other side

Then gently cuddle up

Imagining that it's you holding me

Sometimes when I am riding down the street

A song plays on the radio

I slowly drift back in time

Remembering when it was just you and me

Sometimes at church as I sit in the pew

I keep turning my head 

Looking to the back

Hoping that through the doors I will see you

Sometimes just before I drift off to dream

Thoughts of us fill my head

Memories we have made

Our love, a fierce stream

And as dusk sets on each day

My heart still aches

People don't understand how I die inside

But still I pray

Sometimes I wonder where we go from here

How does the hurt mend

All in time some people say

How do we walk away after all these years.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep

Most nights I lay awake

Longing for your embrace

Imagining you here next to  me

"This Is My Now"

If someone were to ask me to describe to them my life over the past few weeks this is how I would do it. Have you seen the insurance commercial where the guys are riding down the road in the car talking and life seems great and then suddenly out of no where another car comes from a different direction and slams right into them? The narrators voice then comes on and you hear "Life comes at you fast." Here I was driving down the highway of life recovering from some pretty damaging potholes when out of no where I am slammed into and left to pick up the pieces.

A week ago I could barely eat. I would get so tired at night and lay down to sleep but found that each time I closed my eyes it was a nightmare. Hurt became anger. Anger that I was taking out of people who love me and only wanted to help but I couldn't stand myself and the things that life had thrown in my face. I didn't want to be loved or doted on. I wanted to hit something over and over and over again. Needless to say I wasn't in a good state of mind. The thoughts that filled my head and the tears that ran down my face became too much for me and I was ready to give it all up. I had lost myself in a brutal battle and had no clue who I was anymore. Monday morning I spent some time alone. I rode for hours around this city with the radio volume down and the windows down. God has given me some really great gifts in my friends and family. People who willingly open their arms, hearts, and homes and care enough to share with me their stories of struggles. They cry with me, laugh with me, and let me know that they support me.

I left a friend's house knowing that this angry person that I had become could no longer exist. It is time for me to get back to the fun, daring, and exciting person that I used to be. I have to fight the anger and find me again. It is not an easy road. It is a long winding bumpy road. More like a roller coaster. It is going to have some highs and it is going to have some lows but it's like the old saying goes "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger." As I was leaving that friend's house a song came on the radio that inspired me to go buy the cd. I was sampling the each song on the cd one caught my attention. The song played and tears again ran down my face. Not tears of hurt or pain but tears that said to me "okay, it is time to let go of all of this." It hurts so much to turn and walk away but I know that is what has to be done here. I have to let go of the past so that I can heal from the wounds and move on with my now.

This Is My Now -Jordin Sparks
There was a time I packed all my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself
There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I'd reached the end
Baby that was then
But I am made of more than my yesterdays

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now

Had to decide was I gonna play it safe
Or look somewhere deep inside
And try to turn the tide
Find the strength to take that step of faith

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now

And I have the courage like never before, yeah
I've settled for less but ready for more
Ready for more

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now.

Live Well Wednesday

Well I wish that I could say that I am full of flowers and sunshine today but that would be fake. The truth is that life has become a dark and gloomy cloud. It's funny that each Wednesday when I read the Live Well post from Darlene that her words speak straight to my heart almost as if they have jumped right out of the computer and slapped me in the face. Today was no different.

The last few days have felt like a trip to hell. My appetite is lost. My mind is in a fog. I feel like I am alive but not existing. Friends and family have been pretty much force feeding me or at least making sure that I have something to drink that has vitamins in it. Needless to say I have lost weight. Not the best way to go about it though. I have dropped another 3.5 lbs.

Today I covet your prayers. Please pray that healing would begin not just for me but for the other party involved as well. The pain is much too great for either of us to bare on our own. Pray that God would reveal Himself to us in such a way that His love for us will shine through this hurt to overpower it and showing us that His love is sufficient.

Heavenly Father, I kneel down at your throne of grace laying this pain at your feet. Father I ask that you cover us with your love. Allow us to feel your presence in our hearts as we walk through this dark valley. Lord shine your light ever so bright so that we can see the way through knowing that it is your love and only your love that is sufficient enough to carry us and heal these deep wounds. Even in this time of suffering and hardship I praise you for who you are and for the forgiveness that you so graciously offer us through the death and resurrection of your Son Jesus Christ. Remind us Father that through this time your arms are the everlasting arms of love.