Language of Love

Yesterday I went back to my old Sunday School Class. Couples Connection. It is a class for Newlyweds and Engaged Couples. Craig and I had been attending for a while but I had not been back since we split up. I ran into a friend of mine who is also engaged and she had been wanting to go the class but her fiance is station in Oaklahoma so she would have to go alone. She asked if I would go with her because she didn't know anybody in the class. So I went. I was very nervous but as we all know God works in mysterious ways.

We showed up for Sunday School, a little late, but as we walked into the class they were showing a video. It was Gary Chapman and the first session of his seminar of The 5 Love Languages. I found the video to be very interesting and in some strange way it put me at ease. I no longer felt nervous or like I didn't belong there. At the end of the class I was handed the book The 5 Love Languages along with the workbook. At first I thought..."Do they really want me to come back?" And then I thought "How awsome!!!"

So last night I began reading the book. I already know that my primary love language is "physical touch." That was pretty much a given for me. I thrive off of other peoples affection as well as giving affection. For me when you touch me that is you telling me that you love me. Don't get me wrong I want to hear "I love you" but nothing tells me like touching. I am interested to continue my reading tonight and eager to find out how the other "languages" stack up in my life. I want to discover other peoples love languages as well so that I can learn to speak their love language and be a better daughter, sister, friend, and lover.

I am really praying that God will use this book to help me work out some of my inner and deeper issues. And I am praying that reading this book will better prepare me to be the wife and Mommy that want to be someday.

Thankful Heart

So my oldest sister usually does this "Thankful Thursday" post on her blog. I know today is Saturday but I thought I would do my very own Thankful something so I titled it "Thankful Heart."

I am thankful today mostly for my Mom. She is watching my life be flipped upside down. She is standing by and watching me hurt and my heart be broken. But I am thankful that she loves me so unconditionally and is trying the best way that she knows how to help me pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I am thankful to her that she allows me to tell her anything about my life and is there to listen and not to judge. I am thankful to her that she points out the wrong and points out the good. I am thankful that God loves me enough that he placed me in her life so that I could have such a loving and wonderful mother.

I am thankful today for my sisters. Although we are far a part in age we are so close to each others hearts. I am thankful that I have them in my life to share my feelings with, to laugh with, to cry with, and to hurt with. I am so thankful that through out this time in my life they both have let me know that they love me and all they want is for me to be happy no matter what it is. I am thankful for their families....their husbands and their children. I am thankful that I have 2 wonderful brother in laws that love my sisters so much and are prime examples of loving husbands every single day. I am thankful and blessed for my beautiful niece and my handsome little nephews. A child's love is so precious and so unconditional.Each one of them has their own special place in my heart and each one makes my face light up.

I am thankful for my brother. I am thankful that he is the person that God has intended him to be. I am so proud of him and the life that he has made for himself. Everyday he is such an awsome example to a group of teenagers and God is using his life to be such a positive influence on those kids lives. I am thankful that no matter what is going on or how long it has been since we've talked that he knows I love him and I know that he loves me. I do wish that I got to spend more time with him though.

I am thankful for my Daddy. A man who will never know what he means to me.Oh how I look up to him and his accomplishments.I am thankful to him that he has provided for me even when he didn't know how he would. I am thankful for the relationship that he and my Mom have and the wonderful example of marriage that they have shown me my entire life. I am thankful that he holds me in his arms and tells me "This fat man loves you."I am thankful for the relationship that he and I have as Father and Daughter. I am thankful for the influence that he has been in my life.I am thankful that he has helped to shape and mold me into the person that I am today. I am thankful that in a lot of ways I am just like him.I am so thankful for the man he has been in my life...."the only man that will never let me down." God truly blessed me with my Daddy.

I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that even when they don't understand me or I don't understand them that I know we are still friends. You know there is a strong bond when you can scream and yell at eachother because you both hurt and the next minute say "girl..I love you." I am thankful for the people that God has placed in my life recently. I am thankful that they have open hearts and big hearts. I am thankful for the friendships that God is allowing me to build.

I am thankful for Craig. It doesn't make a lot of sense to a lot of people but one thing is for sure....we LOVE each other. I am thankful that I have been able to share my life with him. I am thankful for the love that he has given me and through his hurt and pain he still continues to give me. I don't know how he does it but I am thankful that he does. I am thankful that God has allowed me to watch him grow as a person over 7 years and to be a part of that growth. I am thankful that he is my best friend.

What I am thankful for most is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am accepted him at 7 years old and then rededicated my life at 17. Without him I could never have delt with the trials that I have gone through in my life. I am thankful to know that even when the pain feels so big and my heart feels shattered He is holding onto me and loving me through every minute of it.I am thankful to know that he is doing the same thing for Craig.....holding him and loving him through his pain and his shattered heart.

Hurting

Why does love hurt so much? Is it because we give so much of ourselves and make ourselves so vulnerable? Think about it. The person you love the most you would give your life for wouldn't you? You would walk across fire for them!! Being in love has so many positives. But what happens when it is time to let go of that love? After 7 years I have said goodbye to the man I thought I was going to marry.We were suppose to get married December 29th of this year. My fairy tale wedding was all planned out. Then doubts started filling my head and my heart. Things I could not ignore. Love that I knew I wanted for the rest of my life that I was unsure I was going to ge.Affection and attention that I so desperately longed for. So I let go. 7 years of love is gone. I don't know how to act or who to be. I am trying so hard to be strong so that people can't see that I am absolutely dying inside. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.Where do I go from here? How do I start my life again? Have I made a mistake? Every single day I struggle with this. I am so exhausted. I get through the day at work by staying busy to try and keep my mind off of it. Then at night I get home and all I want is to be alone. I lay awake at night and think about everything we have been through and how hard the tough times were and I think about all the fun we had and how much we made each other smile and laugh!!! Its like this huge emotional rollercoaster that I just keeping riding over and over again. My head says to move on but I can't seem to get my heart on board. I cry myself to sleep most nights and wake up with puffy eyes each morning. There is a huge hole in my heart that is hurting so much I can't stand it. We were best friends. We used to sit together and talk about music. We both have such a love for music. I used to say he was my little band geek. He played trumpet in high school and college. We would talk about a new song that we heard on the radio or how we wanted a new cd by one of our favorite artist. I have almost all the Martina Mcbride cds thanks to him. We could sit and watch football, baseball, or college basketball and cheer on our team on or cheer for different teams and it was okay. We would just laugh or jab at each other. We could ride 30 minutes down the road in the car together and never say a word and it was perfect. Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently?
Lord Jesus....please help me. I don't understand. Please give me your guidance and your wisdom. Lord heal my heart.....heal his heart. He is hurting so much right now and he doesn't understand. Lord give me the strength to tell him of my past and how I have been hurt and fooled into believing that I wasnt good enough and to let him know how precious the love and affection and attention that I so crave is to me. Please hold us both in your loving arms. Guide us in the direction that you would have us go Lord whether that is together as a couple stronger than ever or whether that is us as friends going our separate ways.