"This Is My Now"

If someone were to ask me to describe to them my life over the past few weeks this is how I would do it. Have you seen the insurance commercial where the guys are riding down the road in the car talking and life seems great and then suddenly out of no where another car comes from a different direction and slams right into them? The narrators voice then comes on and you hear "Life comes at you fast." Here I was driving down the highway of life recovering from some pretty damaging potholes when out of no where I am slammed into and left to pick up the pieces.

A week ago I could barely eat. I would get so tired at night and lay down to sleep but found that each time I closed my eyes it was a nightmare. Hurt became anger. Anger that I was taking out of people who love me and only wanted to help but I couldn't stand myself and the things that life had thrown in my face. I didn't want to be loved or doted on. I wanted to hit something over and over and over again. Needless to say I wasn't in a good state of mind. The thoughts that filled my head and the tears that ran down my face became too much for me and I was ready to give it all up. I had lost myself in a brutal battle and had no clue who I was anymore. Monday morning I spent some time alone. I rode for hours around this city with the radio volume down and the windows down. God has given me some really great gifts in my friends and family. People who willingly open their arms, hearts, and homes and care enough to share with me their stories of struggles. They cry with me, laugh with me, and let me know that they support me.

I left a friend's house knowing that this angry person that I had become could no longer exist. It is time for me to get back to the fun, daring, and exciting person that I used to be. I have to fight the anger and find me again. It is not an easy road. It is a long winding bumpy road. More like a roller coaster. It is going to have some highs and it is going to have some lows but it's like the old saying goes "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger." As I was leaving that friend's house a song came on the radio that inspired me to go buy the cd. I was sampling the each song on the cd one caught my attention. The song played and tears again ran down my face. Not tears of hurt or pain but tears that said to me "okay, it is time to let go of all of this." It hurts so much to turn and walk away but I know that is what has to be done here. I have to let go of the past so that I can heal from the wounds and move on with my now.

This Is My Now -Jordin Sparks
There was a time I packed all my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself
There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I'd reached the end
Baby that was then
But I am made of more than my yesterdays

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now

Had to decide was I gonna play it safe
Or look somewhere deep inside
And try to turn the tide
Find the strength to take that step of faith

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now

And I have the courage like never before, yeah
I've settled for less but ready for more
Ready for more

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now.