Sometimes

Sometimes at night when I lay down to sleep

I stack the pillows up on the other side

Then gently cuddle up

Imagining that it's you holding me

Sometimes when I am riding down the street

A song plays on the radio

I slowly drift back in time

Remembering when it was just you and me

Sometimes at church as I sit in the pew

I keep turning my head 

Looking to the back

Hoping that through the doors I will see you

Sometimes just before I drift off to dream

Thoughts of us fill my head

Memories we have made

Our love, a fierce stream

And as dusk sets on each day

My heart still aches

People don't understand how I die inside

But still I pray

Sometimes I wonder where we go from here

How does the hurt mend

All in time some people say

How do we walk away after all these years.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep

Most nights I lay awake

Longing for your embrace

Imagining you here next to  me

"This Is My Now"

If someone were to ask me to describe to them my life over the past few weeks this is how I would do it. Have you seen the insurance commercial where the guys are riding down the road in the car talking and life seems great and then suddenly out of no where another car comes from a different direction and slams right into them? The narrators voice then comes on and you hear "Life comes at you fast." Here I was driving down the highway of life recovering from some pretty damaging potholes when out of no where I am slammed into and left to pick up the pieces.

A week ago I could barely eat. I would get so tired at night and lay down to sleep but found that each time I closed my eyes it was a nightmare. Hurt became anger. Anger that I was taking out of people who love me and only wanted to help but I couldn't stand myself and the things that life had thrown in my face. I didn't want to be loved or doted on. I wanted to hit something over and over and over again. Needless to say I wasn't in a good state of mind. The thoughts that filled my head and the tears that ran down my face became too much for me and I was ready to give it all up. I had lost myself in a brutal battle and had no clue who I was anymore. Monday morning I spent some time alone. I rode for hours around this city with the radio volume down and the windows down. God has given me some really great gifts in my friends and family. People who willingly open their arms, hearts, and homes and care enough to share with me their stories of struggles. They cry with me, laugh with me, and let me know that they support me.

I left a friend's house knowing that this angry person that I had become could no longer exist. It is time for me to get back to the fun, daring, and exciting person that I used to be. I have to fight the anger and find me again. It is not an easy road. It is a long winding bumpy road. More like a roller coaster. It is going to have some highs and it is going to have some lows but it's like the old saying goes "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger." As I was leaving that friend's house a song came on the radio that inspired me to go buy the cd. I was sampling the each song on the cd one caught my attention. The song played and tears again ran down my face. Not tears of hurt or pain but tears that said to me "okay, it is time to let go of all of this." It hurts so much to turn and walk away but I know that is what has to be done here. I have to let go of the past so that I can heal from the wounds and move on with my now.

This Is My Now -Jordin Sparks
There was a time I packed all my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself
There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I'd reached the end
Baby that was then
But I am made of more than my yesterdays

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now

Had to decide was I gonna play it safe
Or look somewhere deep inside
And try to turn the tide
Find the strength to take that step of faith

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now

And I have the courage like never before, yeah
I've settled for less but ready for more
Ready for more

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now.

Live Well Wednesday

Well I wish that I could say that I am full of flowers and sunshine today but that would be fake. The truth is that life has become a dark and gloomy cloud. It's funny that each Wednesday when I read the Live Well post from Darlene that her words speak straight to my heart almost as if they have jumped right out of the computer and slapped me in the face. Today was no different.

The last few days have felt like a trip to hell. My appetite is lost. My mind is in a fog. I feel like I am alive but not existing. Friends and family have been pretty much force feeding me or at least making sure that I have something to drink that has vitamins in it. Needless to say I have lost weight. Not the best way to go about it though. I have dropped another 3.5 lbs.

Today I covet your prayers. Please pray that healing would begin not just for me but for the other party involved as well. The pain is much too great for either of us to bare on our own. Pray that God would reveal Himself to us in such a way that His love for us will shine through this hurt to overpower it and showing us that His love is sufficient.

Heavenly Father, I kneel down at your throne of grace laying this pain at your feet. Father I ask that you cover us with your love. Allow us to feel your presence in our hearts as we walk through this dark valley. Lord shine your light ever so bright so that we can see the way through knowing that it is your love and only your love that is sufficient enough to carry us and heal these deep wounds. Even in this time of suffering and hardship I praise you for who you are and for the forgiveness that you so graciously offer us through the death and resurrection of your Son Jesus Christ. Remind us Father that through this time your arms are the everlasting arms of love.

LIVE WELL WEDNESDAY

So last week I eluded to the fact that I have been trying a new diet. But I didn't go into any details with you. Kept you in suspense didn't I? I wouldn't necessarily call it a "new" diet because it has been around for several years now. It is new for me though. I will not keep you in suspense any longer. I am now on week 2, Phase 1 of the ...........(drum roll please)

The first two weeks are brutal but are crucial to staying on the diet. Brutal because you are very limited on the foods that you are allowed to eat. Pretty much it is lean meat, fish, cheese, and vegetables. No carbs and no sugars. Not even fruit. Crucial because during these two weeks it jump starts your weight loss and also reduces cravings. I joined South Beach online. I have found that it is much easier than buying the book (maybe because I am not much of a reader) because the online program offers many tools. One of my favorites is Weekly Meal plans. Each week it gives you a breakdown of recipes that you can have for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even snacks. You simply choose which of the meals you know you will be making (not everything they suggest is something that you like) and it generates a shopping list for you. That has made life much easier on me.



Now you are probably thinking "how is she making it without sugar and carbs?" Well I will be real honest and tell you that the first couple of days I was good but by Thursday of last week I was ready to tear some body's head off. You might say I was edgy! Thursday evening my Mom was hosting a Southern Living at Home Party and the theme was "Chicks & Chocolate." I just knew I was doomed. She was going to be serving coffee as well. I am a bit of a coffee snob. It is pretty much strictly Starbucks for me. But Thursday night I found 2 very tasty alternatives to my Starbucks ritual of a Tall Non-Fat White Mocha w/o whip and a chocolate fudge brownie. I made a run to the grocery store and picked up Folgers Decaf Hazelnut coffee and Sugar Free Hazelnut milk creamer. Much to my delight it was very good. The real kicker was a desert that Mom had prepared pretty much just for me. She knew how hard I was working but knew that I was on the verge of falling off the wagon due to my lack of sugar. She made a Brownie Trifle. It was sugar-free, fat-free white chocolate pudding, lite whip cream-South Beach Approved, and brownie crumbs. It was fabulous! There were many attendees that asked what she called it and how to make it. Me, I felt special that she had prepared it just for me.



Have I seen results from this new adventure on the South Beach Diet? You bet your sweet (pun intended) I have. From last Monday through today I have lost a total of 4lbs. That is half of my total over the past month. Don't reach for your calculator....that is 8lbs since the beginning of February!! My brother has a saying that I will quote to end this post "I am like Jelly because I am on a ROLL!"