Trying To Resurface

It has been a while since I last posted. Honestly, I am still very unsure of what to say. So I am just going to say what is on my mind. It has been almost 10 months since the breaking of my engagement and still I find myself struggling with my life day in and day out. Just when I think I have a hold on things and a hold on myself something else happens to knock me back down. Recently I reached an all time low! I find myself in the bottom of the pit of despair. So far in the bottom of the pit that I couldn't see any light. I had/have lost all sense of who I am. The events that have taken place in my life have almost completely destroyed my personality, self confidence, self worth, strength, and erased the smile that I used to wear so often. However, I am beginning to realize that this person that I have become is not the person that I want to be. I know that some where buried in the rubble of my broken heart is a strong, fun, loving, witty, and nurturing woman. I am working on finding her!

Being the song bird that I am, most of the time I find such great encouragement through music. So of course I am going to share a couple of songs that have spoken to me over the last few weeks. Two Saturday mornings ago I was in my bedroom at my new house getting ready for the day. I had my iPod on shuffle and suddenly a song began to play. I had been struggling all week with letting go completely of a man that had been in my life for nearly 8 years. The words of this song really put it in perspective for me.

"Trying To Find A Reason" ~Martina McBride

No love can survive for long like this
When you're standing on a bridge that's always burnin'
Maybe it's just time to walk away
If you're tryin' to find a reason to stay

I don't know how long this pain will last
All I know is it can't go on forever
Isn't this just pointless anyway
If you're tryin' to find a reason to stay

It's hard to admit it, what we know inside
We've tried everything, everything but goodbye
Say goodbye

If you're heart has nothing left to give
And your world feels like it's just stop turnin'
Maybe that says all there is to say
If you're tryin' to find a reason to stay

Maybe it's just time to walk away
If you're tryin to find a reason to stay.

The words of that song made so much sense to me. For so long I had been holding onto something that I needed to let go of. I didn't want to but the time had come and there was nothing left for me to do. I still struggle with the letting go every day. It's so hard and there are days when I feel like my world has been shattered. I am trying to be strong and I know that as the days pass my strength will continue to increase and my heart will continue to mend. I want so much to be the person that I used to be. To be the sister, daughter, aunt, and friend that loves life and everything about it. As I was typing this post which now probably looks like a book, I received an email from my Mom. She too has been a constant source of strength and encouragement my entire life. The email said this:

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence.....'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

I know in my heart how very true those statements are. Which brings me to my last thought and song. A friend burned a cd for me a while back. Of course as I was scanning the songs one jumped out at me. I suppose whoever wrote this song was talking to a friend but I took at as a song that we as God's children could sing to Him. I especially felt this song in the depths of my heart. Chills came over my body as I listened because I knew that God was there with me, holding my hand, guiding me in the direction that he would have me go in life. Although I don't always understand His ways......"His ways are not our own." Another great friend of mine said to me a while back "Karen, you have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen in my life. You light up a room each time you smile." It felt good to hear those words then and I want to find that smile again. Okay, so here is the final song. Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you today. I covet your prayers during this time in my life.

"Footprints In The Sand" ~ Leona Lewis

You walked with me, footprints in the sand
And helped me understand where I'm going
You walked with me when I was all alone
With so much unknown along the way
Then I heard you say

I promise you I'm always there
When you're heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life flash across the sky
So many times have I been so afraid
And just when I have thought I've lost my way
You give me strength to carry on
That's when I heard you say

I promise you, I'm always there
When you're heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When I'm weary, well, I know you'll be there
And I can feel you when you say

I promise you, I'm always there
When your heart is filled sadness and despair
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

To my family-thank you so much for surrounding me with your love and support and for not giving up on me or allowing me to give up on myself. Thank you for your constant prayers and your loving ways of lifting me up. Thank you for holding me in your arms and wiping each tear. Each of you have such a hold on my heart in your own way and I cherish your love and the relationships that we have with each other.

To my friends- Elaine, Nina, Janelle, Nicki, Kristi, and Shannon. You girls are the best friends anyone could ask for. Thank you for listening with open ears and open hearts. Thank you for putting up with my shouting matches and my crying fests. Thank you for your words and hugs of encouragement. Most of all thank you for what each of you brings to my life!!